Adventures In… Mental Illness pt II

I honestly don’t know where to go with this next section, this is the part where everything just starts to blur together. And where breaking it apart is going to get harder because from this block of time and into 11 years later was kind of all the same, in a sense.

There were still some pretty significant moments but I’ll try to break it up and keep it in order the best I can.

I wanted to go a little more into the previous abusive relationship though I don’t remember MUCH and I can’t look back on it because the blogs I had back then have all been long deleted since those servers aren’t around anymore. I guess I should had somehow kept a backup somewhere but you don’t think of that shit back then.

I do remember my ex didn’t like that I blogging, he said my blogs all “made him look bad” when he gave me more bad days than good and back then I only wrote about HOW MY DAY WENT, there weren’t many people who knew about blogs back then so you were able to write whatever you wanted without having to censor yourself. The ironic part was that he seemed to only read my blog or remembered it even existed when I had written “something bad” about him. When I’d write happy things about him and I’d even link him he’d tell me I’m lying or some other discouraging shit. He didn’t have a LiveJournal so a lot of times I was able to “friends only” my posts and he wouldn’t had known the difference.

Right before I broke up with him I do remember my teacher had set up this community service thing for those of us in Leadership (keep in mind I lived in Vallejo at the time, my ex lived in San Francisco). My ex needed community service hours in order to graduate which his own school offered lots of ways you could do this… but he cared more about gaming and “battling” (he was a competitive fighting games person. He even went to compete in tournaments for Soul Calibur, Virtual Fighter, Guilty Gear sometimes and Tekken mostly and he’s the reason why I got into fighting games as much as I did. He also competed in EVO every year which is the biggest fighting game tournament).

I had told him I wasn’t able to come to San Francisco one weekend cause I had to do my Leadership thing and he had asked me to ask my teacher if he could earn credits and helped. She said no because it was strictly for JUST Leadership. The rest of the school wasn’t able to join so why should he? And that made perfect sense to me. So I told him and he got mad at ME. He accused me of not “fighting hard enough” for him. I didn’t think this was a big deal. Like at all. It was only for one day anyway.

Well.

He thought it was a HUGE deal. As he did everything else when he didn’t get his way. So he did his usual routine of nightly fights with me and this night he took it too far. He SAID he was SO MAD AT ME that he had tried to KILL HIMSELF because of me and if he died it would be MY FAULT. He CLAIMED he was rushed to the hospital. He claimed he had cut himself on the chest (strange place to self inflict yourself, first of all) then somehow MAGICALLY this hospital had a PC just I guess in his room at his disposal because even “IN THE HOSPITAL” he would sign on to AIM (AOL Instant Messenger, yes yall this was that long ago) and CONTINUE to guilt me or attempt to guilt me about this whole stupid situation. He would harass me saying he had a 27% chance of living. Yes. No joke. That’s what he claimed. Which was funny because when I’d call his house phone on my cell, his phone line was busy. You know, kind of like when you had dial up and were using the phone for… oh, I don’t know… the internet?

And ironically the hospital info he provided me when I asked for proof couldn’t be found. I even called 411 since it wasn’t showing up on Yahoo search and they said the hospital name didn’t exist. Fancy. That. I asked for proof because once my mom heard about what happened she said I wasn’t allowed to go to SF or see him anymore; I didn’t argue. I was like THANKGOODNESS and of course he blamed me of once again “not fighting hard enough for us” you right. Cause I didn’t. So he tricks me into meeting him at the mall where he gives me flowers and tries to say sorry for the shit he said/did. He even kissed ass and gave my mom flowers. This convo will forever stay in my mind.

Jeff: I got you these flowers as a way to say sorry for everything, I know you have a favorite flower and I couldn’t find them so I got these instead.
My mom: disgusted look.
My mom: Yeah, these aren’t them. I can’t accept these, Hazel we have to go. Now.

Oct 2nd 2003
I knew off the bat this wasn’t going to be good. He said he felt like I didn’t love him anymore.. it’s not that I don’t love him, but I don’t really know what it is.. I just don’t feel like being in this relationship anymore. I know he’s done a lot for me, but my heart refuses to accept him back in.. and after a week of trying to convince my heart that we should try again, it doesnt think so. And you can’t control what your heart truely feels. This passed week, I’ve never felt emptier being with someone.. I don’t know. So I broke up with him and as always he made a big deal out of it. Saying shit like “I hate you, I hope you die. I wish I never met you, you don’t even deserve love from your parents for what you did to me” I don’t know what love from my PARENTS have to do with this.. but arright. And saying that if he never went out with me, his life would be happier.. that he doesnt want anyone to know we were ever together because its a disgrace going out with me. Just because I broke up with doesnt mean that what he said didn’t hurt. I eventually got tired of him telling me this stuff and hung up on him. He got online and his profile read:

FUCK YOU HAZEL (LAST NAME)

EAT SHIT AND DIE, YOU FUCKING SLUT

For free blowjobs, call [ my PHONE NUMBER here ]. Ask for Hazel Abatayo from Vallejo and meet out in the back of Marine World for sucking fun!

And you wonder why everyone hates you and you don’t have any real friends in V-town, you fucking 2 faced whore

I found SOME stuff but not the conversations I was looking for. After he had posted this, literally the next day he asked me to FORGIVE HIM.

red_hail on October 3rd, 2003 04:22 am (UTC)

You always say things out of anger. Now it’s because of what I say? What is it really? The incident that happened or because of what I said?

You keep running away. You keep blaming me for everything. I’m not going to sit here and take it from some hypocrite.

I want my stuff back. I said it too many times for you to realize it.

I hope one day, you’ll realize what I was to you.

I did NOT take you for granted. I never did. If I did, tell the the reasons. If you can’t, then I didn’t. Unless you can tell me, then you have NO right to say I’ve taken you for granted.

And yes, I appreciate you so fucken much. You can’t possibly keep blaming me for this. There weren’t a MILLION reasons. More like, “there’s a million reasons that doesn’t make sense because you can’t give them reasons.”

You’re telling people different stories about us. You’re only telling them the bad parts and not what happens afterwards.

Dame Nightmare: said something like she didn’t have freedom or something

OK. You’re blaming this on me? You DON’T appreciate what I do for you. You just keep blaming me and trying to make me look bad towards others. You keep telling people different stories to make me look bad, why? You’re not telling the truth at ALL.

The WHOLE world knows we’re meant to be. The problem is that you catergorize your friends like “my vallejo friends say this” or “my 415 friends say that.” There isn’t any other reason that we’re not meant to be that we’ve gone through. Valentine’s day, 1st time at prom, 1st time we’ve done things we could never possibly dream of doing for anyoneelse, my 1st love, your first guy that you KNOW that will make you happy and gave you a ring to show that we’re engaged and will live HAPPILY ever after like in the disney movies you love so much.

I promised all those things. You know I can do them. You know that I’m the ONLY guy that will. This is guaranteed. You DON’T get ANY guarantees in life, but this. You know it. I know you know it. Everyone does. You only get one shot at REAL love. Don’t let it pass you by. You can’t give me or anyone any reasons why, and you just run away. Everyone knows how you are. It’s no point in running. You’re running because you know how it is and know how we’re meant to be, but you’re afraid things will happen again, right? No. They won’t. I can’t tell you anymore how they’ll never be the same and it’ll all change. I made a promise to you and to the whole WORLD. To GOD. To JESUS. I wouldn’t be trying with all my HEART and SOUL if I didn’t want this.

Now tell me, WHO will EVER do this for you? What kind of guy will do this for a girl? Only me. Only for you. I don’t want you to get HURT again THEN realize everything. See? What guy tells you they don’t wnat you to get HURT EVER? Only me. I’m the best thing that has happen in your life. You know it. You know we said things out of anger. You’ve said things that were far worse than anything I could say, and vice versa. WE BOTH did wrong. 2 wrongs WILL make a right.

There’s only ONE of me, Hazel. Don’t let it pass you by because I can’t possibly let go of you. Who can? You mean so much to me, and you know all those other guys aren’t real. I’M THE REAL THING. NO ONE ELSE is doing this FOR YOU BUT ME. NO ONE ELSE has ever done the things for you BUT ME. Jon agrees, Sammie agrees, Fairfield Tilt agrees, Sean agrees, everyone does. They ALL tell me I deserve better. But I don’t. I deserve ONLY you. You know we were happy. I’ve made up with your brother for you recently. I’ve done everything. I still had a surprise in hand for you anniversary. A big one. Sammie knows about it. Who will do this for you? No one.

15 years later and I’m still glad I got rid of you when I did, just saying.

I don’t want you to get HURT and regret it later. Don’t you see? Do you want to get hurt? NO. I told you, that’s why I’m HERE.

Don’t you understand I still care and love you? WHAT GUY does that nowadays?

I know this is all out of anger. I know, we both know it.

Last I checked, I’ve done EVERYTHING FOR YOU. How can you act this way and pretend nothing EVER happened? You can’t say anything like that to ANYONE.

You KNOW there’s only once in a lifetime for this LOVE. Do you want to not take this GUARANTEED feeling?

Seriously, the things he was saying was just rubbing me the absolute wrong way at this point and it was creeping me out — I literally had never been so scared in my entire life.

YOU KNOW THAT WAS ALL OUT OF ANGER. You’ve done the SAME THING but did I do this? NO. Your words hit me harder than anything also, but I still love you to not care because I KNOW you don’t mean it.

You know damn well I NEVER WOULD. Why? Because I FUCKEN LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You KNOW I don’t mean what I said. Why? Because I WOULDN’T BE HERE TELLING YOU THIS.

I’M GUARANTEED. Don’t you get it? I AM. I wouldn’t be saying it if I wasn’t.

YOU have the nerve to tell me that I’M PUSHING YOU AWAY? I want you to come CLOSER to me. You are the one who’s doing it. WHat’s this now? Exactly. You’re angry, I know it. You’re not happy. You’re too angry at me that you won’t even see what I’m going through and not remember ANYTHING.

You’re telling me the exact OPPOSITE of what I’m doing to you. YOU’RE doing it to me. Don’t switch the tables and make ME look bad.

You’re not a disgrace. You’re not anything like that. You’re my EVERYTHING. You’re MY LOVE. You’re MY WORLD. You’re MY BABY. I can’t tell you ENOUGH. Stop RUNNING AWAY and know that THIS IS REAL. THIS IS REAL LOVE. I’m THE REAL THING. Don’t you SEE? I DON’T WANT YOU TO GET HURT AGAIN. I DON’T. WHO ELSE is going to say that to you??? ONLY ME.

I’m FIGHTING for you. I’m FIGHTING MY DARNDEST. WHO ELSE will? ME. ONLY ME. Your heart is so broken now that you won’t see it. You know it’s true. You keep thinking that I’m going to break you down? I’m NOT JON. I haven’t broken you DOWN AT ALL. I’ve gave you the best 6 months of your LIFE. YOU KNOW THAT. You’ve given me the SAME. WE’RE meant TO BE. The scar hasn’t faded, valentine’s day hasn’t been gone, prom is still here.

It’s not GAME OVER. There’s still Continue…

Don’t you see? If I was going to break you down again, wouldn’t I of THESE PAST 6 MONTHS? NO. I haven’t. I’ve been GREAT TO YOU. YOU KNOW IT. NO ONE ELSE HAS Can you honestly say someone else did? No. Because I’m the Real thing here.

I’m guaranteed. If I wasn’t, why am I still here fighting?

And you CAN’T tell Sammie that you wont’ trust her because she AGREES WITH ME and not with you. Just because she’s your “best friend” doens’t mean she’ll agree with you all the time. She actually understands ME. And if you’re going to do that to your OWN BEST FRIEND because she doesn’t agree with you, then I don’t know what to say.

You know we’re meant to be. This is a phase…this is out of anger. I can’t tell you enough how I want to be sorry for everything. I can’t do anymore than that, you know it. There’s only one of me.

You tell me you give me enough chances? Those weren’t chances, I never asked you directly “Give me another chance, baby.” This is the ONLY time.

We’re going to be ok, all right? You’ve gone through too much for anything to become worse, right? I’m here FOR YOU, baby, ok? ONLY for you…I can’t tell you more…please BELIEVE me.

It got so bad that I didn’t even WANT to go to SF for YEARS. I was too afraid. I knew the places he hung out and I knew the places he’d NEVER be at but I still didn’t want to run the risk.

It go to the point of anxiety.

There was a small tournament at MY local mall and my boyfriend at the time went to play in it because it was a Smash Bro’s tournament, a game he’s GOOD at and so we went. Jeff was there. And prior to this day he had posted all these threats towards us. And though it gave me insane anxiety (though it did help that The Crew was there with me) I went and stood next to Jeff while he was watching some people play Soul Calibur and what did he do? He left. Completely left the arcade. Later that night came the slut shaming and threats all over the gaming boards about me — oh yeah, he also posted shit about me in gaming boards as if gamers care about his personal life. But he made sure to put it in peoples faces anyway, you know, as a way to “get back at me” or whatever.

So a few months pass and between Jeff sending me threats and oh, Jeanette too cause she was mad M had picked me over her so she dedicated A WHOLE Xanga to tell the entire world how I’m “an immigrant” and how “I can’t speak English” and how you “can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”. I honestly thought I was handling this pretty well. I THOUGHT. All through out btw, M hadn’t stood up for me to either of these people. Not once. I was being slammed all over the inernet by people who hated me for petty reasons. Twas great.

So that happens.

A few months later Sammie {who was my best friend all through high school)’s boyfriend hates me and isn’t keeping it much of a secret. So one night him and his friends decide they REALLY hate me.

So they convert SAMMIE’S MYSPACE into a page into hating me.

I’m not sure why the other 2 came out so small since they’re all the same size/file. But “Let’s Break The Twig” was Jeff’s MySpace. Don’t worry, that’s not actually my nude. I don’t know where they got that from but looking back on it now, that was awful photoshop work. Not to mention the photo they used was like 3 years old at this point. Like dang, ya’ll couldn’t had used a more current photo? Pfft you weren’t dedicated to your craft!

The part that cracks me up about Jeff was once he realized I wasn’t trying to hear him anymore and didn’t care enough to respond to any attack he made on me HE started playing FFXI as did Enrico and Jon oh and Jeff also started playing Smash, but I never ran into him again after that.

All the while this was happening, btw, Sammie didn’t try to stop them. She let them hack her MySpace. Even now to this day, 14 years later I still have issues trusting her when this pops back into my head.

This definitely made me question my passion for social media and blogging. Every blog I had they would find and leave comments harassing me about how stupid I was and how I should kill myself. If I moved blogs they would somehow find those too. When I started making DOMAIN WEBSITES they would find those as well and leave awful comments in my guestbook.

I quit web and graphic designing in 2005, at least for domains and things. Which sucks cause I was majoring in it at the time.

You’re not suppose to care what others say/think about you or your work. You’re not suppose to let it haunt and dictate you. You’re suppose to know they’re doing this out of spite and having too much time on their hands; however the last few months leading up to this had all been too much for me. Not to mention M still hadn’t stood up for me. Or told him to stop. Perhaps it wasn’t his job to, like he said. Maybe this was my own battle to fight. Doesn’t matter either way, I faught it on my own and never asked for his help after this.

I thought I was handling things fairly well. I thought I wasn’t letting it bother me. And maybe I wasn’t, but I was also so very wrong.

Anxiety and OCD happens when you experience something traumatic. At least when it started happening strongly and I wanted to know what was wrong with me, that’s what Google told me. And while at the time this was happening I didn’t think of it as traumatic just depressing. However like I said it took me years to finally get the courage to go back to San Francisco, I had quit blogging for awhile and I had quit graphic and web design. I was also afraid of going to the nearest mall in fear of running into Jeanette who was also still throwing threats at JUST ME.

So at the time I was trapped in a bubble of extreme fear but I never thought of it as anxiety. I didn’t know what anxiety was at the time, never even heard of the term.

And THIS is pretty much where it started.

But it gets worse.

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